Guys, are You Shortchanging Yourself In the Bedroom?
For many men, lovemaking is almost purely a physical act with selfish motives, says Dr. Warren Shepell, a psychologist and president of Warren Shepell Consultants Corp., which provided Employee Assistance Program services to more than 2,000 companies before he sold the company in 2005.
“They achieve a basic primitive satisfaction, but they could be experiencing so much more,” says Shepell, who recently published “A Woman’s Pleasure,” (www.awomanspleasure.com), a novel under the pen name J.F. Kelly, which explores the emotional layers of physical relationships.
Sexual satisfaction for men and women increases with more emotional intimacy; good communication; mutual support; and sexual assertiveness – a willingness to clarify needs and wants, according to a large study published earlier this year in the International Journal of Clinical and Health Psychology.
“That absolutely validates what I’ve found in more than 35 years’ experience in counseling,” Shepell says. “Sex is not just a physical experience and it’s not one-sided. To have the most exciting, gratifying and physically pleasing experience requires men and women to engage emotionally. That tends to come more naturally for women than for men.”
What doesn’t come naturally for many women, thanks to societal taboos and gender role stereotypes, is sexual assertiveness, he adds.
“Women need to be empowered to articulate what pleases them and to make their physical boundaries clear. They’ll gain a whole new dimension to their experience, and so will their partner but the partner needs to be open and be comfortable with the communication. Where there is mutuality there is greater pleasure and satisfaction. ”
Shepell offers these three tips for men to “take it to the next level”:
• Take time for focused conversations that are not only about shared household responsibilities but also about sex and lovemaking.
Put down the smart phones, turn off the TV, talk – and listen. Share stories about your day and your life; talk about your dreams and your fears. Ask questions about what she thinks, feels and wants. Listen to what she says.
“If you’re married or in a committed relationship, this is not the time to talk about the dog’s next vet appointment or whether to remodel the bathroom,” Shepell says. “Regular two-way conversation on a deeper level fosters greater intimacy and trust, which carries over in profound ways to the physical side of your relationship.”
The communication and information shared needs to be open, honest, and free of judgment, ridicule and belittling, he adds.
• In the bedroom, ask open-ended questions.
If your partner is inhibited about expressing her physical needs and wants, encourage her by asking questions.
“Don’t ask leading questions like, ‘You liked it that way, didn’t you?’ or yes-or-no questions like, ‘Are you satisfied?’ ’’ Shepell says. “Ask open-ended questions like, ‘What would you really like right now?’ Then give her the freedom to answer honestly without judging her or making light of her responses. She will know if you are taking her seriously.”
• Always show your appreciation of her.
We may know that we’re loved or cared about, but we all still need to feel appreciated. There are many ways to do that, from a sincere spoken “Thank you,” to a gift, to an act of kindness, to a tryst that’s all about her and her satisfaction.
“One of the fastest ways to kill the passion in the bedroom is to start taking your partner for granted,” Shepell says. “Show appreciation for all of the things she does for you and how she makes you feel. If you’re not sure of the best way to show your appreciation, ask her!”
Then act on it.
In years of couples counseling, Shepell says he hears a common complaint from men:
“Their partner doesn’t want to have sex as often as they do,” he says.
“But if women enjoy it — if they get the same pleasure as men from it — they will.”
About Dr. Warren Shepell, aka J.F. Kelly
Dr. Warren Shepell holds a Ph.D. in counseling psychology. He is the author of “A Woman’s Pleasure,” (www.awomanspleasure.com), written under the pen name J.F. Kelly, a work of erotica fiction. A pioneer in the Employee Assistance Programs industry, through which corporations provide mental health counseling for employees and their families, Shepell earned the Silver Lifetime Achievement Award from Benefit Canada for his work. Find him on Facebook at J.F. Kelly and A Woman’s Pleasure.
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