5 Reasons Why Mr. Grey Needs to be Spanked
The trilogy has sparked a national debate on multiple fronts regarding female sexuality, including commentary from feminists, the BDSM community and others.
Dr. Warren Shepell, a psychologist and founder and president of Warren Shepell Consultants Corp., which provided Employee Assistance Program services to more than 2,000 companies and where he counseled couples for more than 25 years before he sold the company in 2005, says plenty of the cultural focus inspired from the book is misplaced.
“Much of the commentary I’ve read seems to assume a sexually static role for men, that ‘men will be men’ and there’s really little hope for change, but men are not static; they can experience more than just a basic, primitive satisfaction,” says Shepell, who recently published “A Woman’s Pleasure,” (www.awomanspleasure.com), a novel under the pen name J.F. Kelly, which explores the emotional layers of physical relationships.
Shepell outlines some of the ways in which Mr. Grey misses the boat on the richness possible within female sexuality.
• BDSM is not the pinnacle of sexual adventure. “For all the bells and whistles involved in BDSM, including various fetishes, whips, chains or demands, I don’t think it’s all that interesting,” he says. “For one, it is role playing, rather than two people expressing their souls through a loving act. And, it’s pretty black and white, with one playing the boss and the other as the submissive. In the long run, it can be damaging, hurtful, and degrading, but what makes it interesting to people, I think, is that BDSM is unusual and that it caters to past scripts of control and domination learned early on in life. It is not liberating nor does it promote equality between men and women.”
• Mr. Grey is emotionally unavailable. Contracts for sex, gifts given from afar and a general take-it-or-leave-it attitude illustrate a man who is willing to serve his own needs, and only his needs.
“A psychologist could have a heck of a multiple-choice option from which to diagnose Mr. Grey – perhaps narcissistic personality disorder, among many others,” Shepell says. “My hope is that men and women can understand that this is not a desirable personality.”
• He is sexually uncompromising. While some young, immature and insecure women who are hungry for love may fall for a man who manipulates and one-sidedly dominate them, most women prefer lovemaking with romance, appreciation, respect and caring with plenty of foreplay, satisfaction and afterglow.
• Today’s woman is much more proactive than a man like Mr. Grey might admit. Women enjoy sex and lovemaking as much as men. This is a deceptively profound statement, because the conventional thinking among many is that men are much more sexual.
“Our society still likes its gender roles, and many are happy to conform to these roles,” he says. “Fortunately, I think there is increasing awareness that women fantasize about sex and lovemaking as much as men.”
• A woman’s pleasure is a man’s pleasure. Mr. Grey doesn’t seem to appreciate the joy of experiencing a woman’s satisfaction. A complaint from many old-school men is that their wife or girlfriend doesn’t give them enough sex. Men tend to reach orgasm four to five times faster than women. In order to make their wife or girlfriend happy, men should try being more attentive, passionate and take time in their sexual and lovemaking encounters.
“Why wouldn’t a man want a woman to be sexually fulfilled? – Her satisfaction usually means more enthusiasm and frequency of sex, in addition to stronger bonds within the relationship,” Shepell says. “If women were totally satisfied with their sexual and lovemaking experiences, women would welcome the lovemaking experience as much as men.”
Dr. Warren Shepell holds a Ph.D. in counseling psychology. He is the author of “A Woman’s Pleasure,” (www.awomanspleasure.com), written under the pen name J.F. Kelly, a work of erotica fiction that follow the sizzling hot, yet romantic and sensually adventures of twenty-five very different men as they encounter their first intimate, most erotic, and most sensual experiences in satisfying the desires of women in A Woman’s Pleasure.
A pioneer in the Employee Assistance Programs industry, through which corporations provide mental health counseling for employees and their families, Shepell earned the Silver Lifetime Achievement Award from Benefit Canada for his work. Find him on Facebook at J.F. Kelly, A Woman’s Pleasure and WShepell and Instagram at a_womans_pleasure and Twitter at @wswebstars.
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